Ski Day

A day on the mountain is always better than a day at work. But yesterday I nearly questioned that expression. It was our company ski day and the offices closed for a day of skiing. Or as we say in the ski business, "testing the product".

It was cold, windy, and sunless when I awoke and I hoped it would clear up later but it never did. I picked up my friend Shunnie, drove to Vail and met the rest of our co-workers at the top.

You probably realize that when you ski with co-workers who work for Vail Resorts, you are skiing with excellent skiers. I am not in that category. I can't even fake it anymore because 2 years ago I got hauled off the mountain in a toboggan and straight onto an ambulance. It was hard to keep that quiet when it ruined at the office ski day that year. People remember. I can tell they still keep their eyes on me and ski easier trails when I'm around. I protest that I haven't fallen since then but it's too late. My reputation is established.

Yesterdays conditions were bad. Icy crust and the wind was just about blowing us back up the hill. Icicles formed from our chins as we rode the chairlifts. Nobody wanted to be there but nobody wanted to admit it because we were certain that a day on the mountain was better than a day at work. Lunch at the Game Creek private club was a definite high point and it was the only place I could take a picture. I posted it below.

After lunch, a few of us were standing around (in a freaking blizzard) wondering where to ski next. I knew no one wanted to ski and no one wanted to admit it. So since it was already established that I was the weak link of ski days, I took one for the team and said I didn't want to ski anymore.

"No?" my boss asked.

"Hell No" I confirmed.

Then they readily agreed that if Jim was done they might as well quit too. I bravely sacrificed my reputation (what reputation I have left after my pedicure anyway) to save my friends from freezing.

That's the way I'm going to look at it anyway.

Sweet Feet

I did something yesterday for the first time in my life. I got a pedicure. It wasn't on my list of things to do before I die...I just sort of stumbled into it. I sit on a home owners board and for Christmas they sent me a spa gift card worth $100. I was excited and was looking forward to a nice massage. At least I was looking forward to it until I checked the prices at this very exclusive spa and saw that massages started at $200. So I started looking down the list of services.

I could get my hair high lighted for $125...no
I could get my eyebrows designed with a perfect arch for just $75...pass
The Perfect Eyes treatment was $95 came with the eyebrow arching plus eye shadow recommendations...tempting.
The Gentlemans Manicure was only $50 but if I wasn't getting nail polish then it just seemed like paying a pretty girl to hold my hand....I decided against it.
Then I saw the Signature Pedicure. I thought it was just having someone clip my toenails. But no. It is a cuticle trim, nail shape, exfoliation & polish. It is a complete pedicure using their signature Ginger Peach line. Sounded too tempting and I scheduled it.

I told my boss that I was leaving work for a pedicure. Becka felt that this was an occasion that should be witnessed so she scheduled one with me. His and Her pedicures with my boss. We arrived and I informed my (pedicurist? nail girl? foot artist?) that I was a first timer and asked her to be gentle with me. I'm not sure what all of the steps were in my pedicure because I was laying back in my massage chair with my eyes closed. I do know that it involved hot bubbly water, clippers, some sort of mineral salts, a big old file that looked like it belonged in my garage, and some sort of moisturizer from their signature ginger peach line. Since I have apparently been neglecting my feet for many decades, that big old garage file got a pretty good work out on the bottom of my feet.

Did any of you guys know that you were supposed to be filing the bottoms of your feet?

I skipped the nail polish but when I saw how good Becka's nails looked with a Hot Bubble Gum shade, I regretted my conservatism. But on the other hand, I could put my shoes on when we were done and she had to walk in flip flops with cottonballs between her toes into a mountain winter day.

Over all, it was a nice experience as long as I didn't have to pay for it. And my feet felt so nice last night that I kept myself awake by rubbing them on my legs.

I may have to bring my file out of the garage and keep it in the shower from now on.

You're Fired

With all of the lay-offs in the news, I’ve been wondering how the word is actually given to the victims. When Panasonic says the are laying off 15,000 people, how do they actually go about it? Email? Bulletin board? Does each person get pulled into an office for a private chat? Or do pink slips really exist that people just find in an envelope with their last paycheck?

I’ve had to fire people. It was always hard, but I’ll admit it did get easier. I can’t remember the name of the first guy I had to fire but I remember everything else about it. I was in my first supervisory position just a couple years out of college. He was the worlds worst parking lot attendant. He wouldn’t shower, he glared at customers, he was seldom on time, he couldn’t count money accurately, and his co-workers hated him. There were complaints everyday. He deserved to be fired but I couldn’t do it. I’d like to say it’s because I was such a nice guy who could see the good in everyone, but that’s not true. I was just afraid to fire someone. I got a four year business degree from a good university and it just never came up in any class.

So I counseled him about cash counting, and gave him warnings about being late, but how do you tell an adult he smells bad and needs to take a shower? He didn’t improve and the other employees were losing respect for me so I had to do it. I lost sleep for 3 nights while I worried about. I worked on various scripts in my head. I had answers for anything he’d say. I had a nice version and a stern version. On the chosen day, I met him at the end of his shift and said,

“It isn’t working out. We’ll have to let you go.”

He shrugged and walked away. It was that easy.

Over the next 20 years I fired a bunch of people. Some were for budget reasons, some were for performance issues. On one bad day, I even fired 6 at once. It was never easy but it was never as hard as that first time.

It's true that you learn more from life than you do from school, but I still think every business degree should offer Firing 101.

Worth It

I don't need to see the odds against winning. I don't need to hear that it's money down the toilet and don't tell me it's foolish.

I'm still going to buy a couple lottery tickets every week.

For two dollars a week I get a 10 minute fantasy. I'm rich. I quit my job, give money to my family, and live in luxury. I buy a couple homes and I travel around the world. I decide I'll need a bodyguard. Maybe a cook or an assistant. A personal trainer definitely. Maybe I'll find one person to do all of those jobs. I wonder if I should hire a private accountant or go with a big firm to manage my money. I figure out how much I'll pay in taxes and get annoyed at the amount. I worry about spoiling my children. I'm concerned about everyone that will be looking for handouts. Where should I live? Could I trust new friends?

So much to think about. I enjoy it. Carrying around a pocket full of possibilities is worth much more to me than the coffee or the slurpee I could have had for the same price.

So shut up! It's worth it!

Pulling Teeth

Its wisdom teeth time at my house. With the threat of lay offs everywhere, I decided it would be prudent to get any possible medical issues taken care of while I still had insurance. It was Noah’s turn yesterday.

I took the day off, loaded up on soft food and took him into the oral surgeon at 11:00. At 12:15 a nurse brought him out in a wheelchair and said everything went fine. I looked at Noah and raised and eyebrow. He was drooling and babbling incoherently. So I told her, “This isn’t the same boy I turned over to you.”

She laughed and assured me that the reaction to the anesthesia was normal and he just needed to sleep it off. We managed to get his coat on and wheeled him outside to the mini-van. He kept talking nonsense while I swung by the pharmacy for the Vicodin and mouth rinse and took him home and tucked him in bed. His last word was “dog” as Mario nuzzled him and he went to sleep. He woke at about 4:00 and had no memory of anything after he walked back to the operation room until he woke up at home.

Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to sleep through every unpleasant event in your life? Just wake up and say, “well that’s over with!” I think anesthesia should be administered a lot more liberally.

Samantha’s turn tomorrow. Hopefully it goes just as easy.

I'm Faster

I was watching some old home videos the other night. Really old. From 1981, I think. This particular clip was just about 40 seconds long and it captured the end of a road race that me and my brother were competing in. I spent the last few days trying to find a way to put this movie clip into my blog but I can't figure it out so I'll have to describe it. I'll try to post the film later.

The video starts with a police car coming towards the camera with its sirens going. About 100 feet behind the car are two skinny guys in really tight, short, polyester, yellow shorts and identical blue tanktops. I'm not sure why we usually dressed the same when we ran, but it's cute...trust me.

This race is important because although we ran several races every year and we usually did well in them, neither of us had ever actually won one. We had never run directly behind the police sirens. Never had been in the very front.

Anyway, in the video me and Rick are running stride for stride behind the sirens and one of us is going to finally win this race. The film is grainy and doesn't offer any proof that I struck a bargain with Rick, but I will testify and admit that I suggested we finish together. We were both exhausted and nobody was close to catching us and we were dressed the same and we were brothers and it would have been just very special to have us both cross together. So with about 500 hundred feet to go, I offered a tie and Rick accepted. We were just going to coast together to the finish line.

The video skips a section and the next scene shows both of us in a mad sprint to the finish...but we aren't together...I'm about 2 feet ahead of him. I finish first and Rick comes in second. The camera stays on us and Rick looks angry and he won't look at me. That's it. End of film. That's the incident that has been held over my head for 28 years. He's even paid me back and we should be even. The very next year in army basic training there was a contest called King of the Ring. Two hundred men stand in a large circle and the last man in the circle is the winner. No other rules. When there were about 30 of us left, I offered Rick another tie. And he agreed. But when we were down to the last 4, he threw his man out while I was still grappling with mine on the edge of the ring. Rick ran over and and pushed us both out. He was king. I say that should make us even.

But the race story kept getting repeated to friends and family (and it was on film), so I'm the one that can't be trusted in the heat of battle. So here's the point I hope you remember from this story. It's not that I used to be young and fast. It's not that athletic shorts used to be tight and polyester. I'm not even trying to make the point that your word is your bond or that a damaged reputation is hard to recover from.

The main point I'm trying to make and that I want you to remember is that...I won that race. Rick came in second.

A Bad Dog Marriage

Kiana was a beautiful black labrador puppy. She was the biggest and smartest and prettiest of her litter. Her father told her she could be anything she wanted, but her mother told her that the key to happiness was to marry wisely and settle down with the right sire and breed future champions.

Kobuck was very good looking (for a yellow lab)but it was his sense of humor that attracted her to him. He did the silliest things and she would laugh and laugh. And he was quite an athlete. She would spend hours watching him in the park as he outran all of the other dogs to catch and fetch what ever was thrown. Despite her mothers warning to only date someone of her own color, she fell in love and soon they were married. She was certain that with her guidance, she could give this silly boy the heart of a warrior.

The problems started right away. She wanted to take life seriously and he just wanted a good time. The sense of humor that attracted her to him was just kind of goofy now. She never laughed and started telling him to grow up. It got too awkwaard for his friends and they stopped coming over. She wanted him to do something she could be proud of like hunting or guarding but his one passion in life was to fetch tennis balls. He believed he could work Wimbledon one day and could never let go of the athletic glory days of his youth.

By the time I spent a week with this couple she was bitter and domineering and had sucked the joy from both of their lives. He had let himself go and was just a ball fetching, floor pooping clown. Sure...he could have been a better husband. Yes...his goofy puppy act could get old. But he says, "Hey! I didn't change. This is who I always was. Now throw me the ball!"

Her anger towards him is visible in every interaction between them. His indifference towards her is evident every time he runs into her without apologizing as he chases that stupid slobbery ball. They probably can both share some of the blame. But now they have developed some patterns that are clearly not healthy. I've seen her shove his tennis balls under the bed where he can't reach them. I've seen him fart on her food bowl when she's not looking.

Kobuck still tries to find a little bit of joy in his life with his passion for tennis balls. Kiana, on the other hand, has given up on "following her bliss" and her only purpose is to put Kobuck in his place...to humiliate him and make him admit that she rules and he's just a stupid jerk that ruined her life. It wouldn't be so bad if she would administer her punishments behind closed doors and let Kobuck keep his dignity in public and in front of his friends. But no. The smallest infraction will set her off and she lets him have it. Sometimes the only thing he does wrong is to let someone pet him before they pet her. And right there in front of everyone she makes him assume the position.

SHE climbs up on HIM and humps him! And if she is seriously pissed off she bites his neck while she's humping him. And she says, "You ruined my life. I'll teach you how to be a man." And he looks around a little embarrassed but just shrugs and says "What can I do?"



The first time I saw it, I yelled at her to stop. But after several more times, I started yelling at him instead. "Kobuck! Get some pride, man! Bite her! Run away! Put your butt up against the wall! Don't just take it!" But he just patiently accepts his punishment and brings me the tennis ball when she is done. (but it takes him several minutes before he can look me in the eye)

I'm not sure what the future holds for this marriage. I'm trying to talk them into some counseling. I've suggested they spend some time apart. I told her that she should develop her own interests. I'm just glad there are no puppies around to witness this sad situation.