Mt. Massive

Mt Massive

I summited my 17th 14er yesterday. Mt Massive is the second tallest peak in Colorado at 14,321 feet above sea level. Most of the peaks in Colorado are named to honor someone or something, Lincoln , Elbert, Harvard, etc. Mt. Massive is my favorite name because it is very accurately massive. There are 2 ways up to the top. One is 4 miles to the top and one is 6 miles to the top. No brainer, right? You go with the shorter route. But what you have to realize is that they both have the same elevation gain. So you have to decide…would you rather climb 4500 feet in 4 miles (steep) or 6 miles (less steep)? I chose steep.

Me and Noah and Jonah drove up to the trailhead Saturday night. It was a narrow, bumpy dirt road for 7 miles and a 4-wheel drive only road for the last half a mile. Since every step is precious to me, I forged ahead in the mini van to the very end. We were proudly the only 2wd vehicle at the top. Way to go Odyssey!! I am willing to take a car with 250,000 miles on it to many more places than I am a new car.

We had intended to back pack for a mile or so to get a head start in the morning but when we got there we saw that we were in a wilderness area with no camping allowed. So we set up camp at the trailhead which was just as well since it was getting too dark to hike anyway. We had a nice little camp with a fire, two tents and a hammock.

We woke at 6 and were on the trail by 7. It was straight up. After an hour and a half I had a tough decision to make. Jonah was having no problem and was struggling to slow down, but Noah was struggling to keep up. This surprised me because 2 years ago Noah was a climbing stud. In 2009, we climbed the tallest peak in Colorado and he was unstoppable. He beat me and Jonah to the top by an hour. But today he was struggling. He was sweating and resting too often and was starting to stumble. At the 2 mile mark I told Jonah to go ahead without me and meet me at the top and I would stay with Noah. Ten minutes after Jonah left, I finally had to stop Noah and tell him to go back. Every year a dozen people die on Colorado 14ers. Nine have died so far this year. Lightening, heart attacks and falls are the most common reasons. Noah was sweaty and his legs were shaking. I kept asking him if he wanted to go on and he said yes. Finally when I saw him stumble on a fairly easy climb, I had to make a decision. I told Noah I was sending him back. I was torn about whether or not to go back with him or send him back by himself. I was worried about him finding his way back (he has very poor vision) and I was worried about Jonah being on top and not knowing where we were. I finally gave Noah very specific instructions about finding his way back and what to do if he was lost and I left him. Tough decision because it would be 5 hours before I got back to the trailhead to find out if he'd made it or not. It might not sound like a big deal but we are still missing a hiker in a similar situation on a 14er from last October. The trails aren't always obvious. I chose to go on because Jonah was on the more dangerous part of the mountain. Like I said...tough decision.

It took me two hours to catch Jonah at the top, take a quick picture and head back down. Believe it or not, down is harder than up on a pair of old knees. As soon as we headed down we caught a brief snow flurry, (yes...on August 21st). We got back to the van at 1:30 and was relieved to find Noah was there taking a nice long nap. So alls well that ends well and another peak to add to my list. I'm not sure how many more I'll do. Ten years ago, my goal was to do 5 per year until I'm climbed all 54, but now I'm not so sure. I don't get the joy out of them that I once did. The views are still spectacular and I do appreciate that I can see scenes that most people can't, but seriously...these climbs are hard! It takes me days to recover! I think that main reason I'll keep doing at least one every year is just to see if I still can. It's a test to see if I am still able I suppose. I'll confess that everytime I climb one, I swear it's my last, but today I found myself on the internet exploring which one to do next so we'll see.

Happy climbing!

Make Room!

My camping and backpacking trips have typically been blessed with good fortune. I usually experience pretty decent weather and conditions so I suppose I've been a little spoiled. The odds caught up with me this past weekend on our 2nd Annual Family Backpacking Extravaganza.

Seventeen of us (Stouts, Barneys and Crockers) went to the Grand Mesa area in western Colorado. We ranged in age from 7 to 49 so we tried to pick a hike that accommodated all. We ended up at Bull Reservoir. The map showed it was just 2 relatively flat miles from the trail head but it didn't show that there was 100 yards of ankle deep swamp we had to hike through. That was the first hardship and we had to deal with damp shoes and socks for the rest of the weekend. The kids insisted on cooking their shoes around the fire but I just let mine dry out on my feet.

The 2nd hardship was a biblical plague of mosquitoes. I may be getting forgetful but I don't recall ever being in that kind of swarm before. As soon as we got to camp we built 2 very smokey fires which helped a little bit. We intentionally put green wood on the fire to keep the smoke up. Mosquitoes tend not to like my blood so I suffered less than most. I counted 3 bites when I got home and I saw one pair of legs that had to have 50 bites per leg. One participant who shall remain nameless counted 7 bites on her rump from just one squat in the bushes. (camping is one of the times I'm most grateful to be a guy!)

Finally there was the rain. We were luck to only get a few quick showers during the day but a monsoon visited us on Saturday night. Fifteen of us had the proper equipment and stayed warm and dry but because of my previous good luck with the weather I under prepared. I was in a cheap Walmart one man tent and Jonah was on a hammock with a plastic sheet over him. At 1am, the winds were so strong that Jonah fell out of his hammock. At 1:50 the rain started coming down hard. At 1:55, the hammock had turned into a bathtub and I heard Jonah shouting "MAKE ROOOOM!" just before he came barrelling into my one man tent. I made room but we were both against the tent walls and couldn't straighten our legs. At 2:15, my cheap tent became so saturated that it started raining on the inside. By then I was checking the time every 10 minutes and thinking "12 more hours and I'll be home", "11 hours and 45 minutes and I'll be taking a hot shower", etc.

So those were the bad things. The fun memories include lots of laughing, a badminton tournament (congratulations Jen and Sam), BEAUTIFUL scenery, bacon on a stick, campfire games, knot lessons, an appreciation for warm beds and indoor plumbing, and just being with old friends and telling old stories again. The good far out weighed the bad. Next year will find us in Escalante, Utah. Let me know if you'd like to come!

Paint Job

Samantha is home for the summer! I'm completely enjoying her company and she makes a mean sandwich. However, the original plan was for her to live rent free while she worked and saved some money. Unfortunately, her promised job fell through so she's only accomplishing the rent free part of the plan.

The long Keystone winters have taken a toll on the exterior of my house and the paint is peeling in several areas. This is not a good look when your home is on the market. (Five bedrooms of mountain paradise if you are interested!)

Obviously, these two problems needed to be introduced. Unemployed daughter meet unpainted house. It's a big job. The walls need to be powerwashed. The peeling areas need to be sanded. Colors need to be chosen. Primer needs to be applied. Ladders need to be climbed and brushes need to be washed. She does a little a day and she's doing a good job. I'm doing the really high spots for her because if a broken neck is part of this project, I'd rather it be on me instead of her.

It feels like I'm living in a new house and she has new skills for her resume'. It's called a "win/win".

First Aid Lesson

I finally got to get out on my bike yesterday for the first time since October. Blue skies and temps in the 60's made for perfect biking weather. Well, actually any day that isn't snowing lately is good enough biking weather. My friend and I were 17 miles into a 20 mile loop when I nearly ran over a bike...and a teenage boy...and a lot of blood.

The kid had crashed less than a minute before I arrived and was just starting to raise his head from the puddle of blood on the asphalt and before I could ask if he was alright, he said, "I lost my tooth." I looked where his face had been laying on the asphalt and there was a perfectly intact tooth, roots and all.

Some basic first aid was clearly required, but what? Take a minute and think about it. What steps were necessary in this situation?

The first step should have happened before I got on the bike. I should have had a basic first aid kit. I had a tool kit for bike repairs but I had nothing for people repairs. Wrong decision. I'm going to remedy that today.

He obviously had a head injury, so I did know that I should be concerned about a concussion. By this time he was sitting up and talking and coherent so I didn't put him through any drills about what day of the week it was, etc. I asked if he'd lost consciousness and he didn't think so. Other bikers arrived and now there were four of us wondering what to do. For some reason I decided it was important to keep the tooth moist and clean so I took some gauze from someone who did have a first aid kit and we poured water on the tooth and wrapped it up. Wrong decision. Believe it or not the next person to come upon was...an oral surgeon. I'm serious! We are on a Summit County bike path on a Sunday afternoon with a tooth emergency and up rides an oral surgeon. He corrected my tooth decision and said the tooth needed to be reinserted back into the mouth as soon as possible. If the tooth is out of the mouth for more than an hour then it probably can't be saved. So we unwrapped the tooth and the kid (Ben) slid it right back in.

Ben had called his mother who was on her way, so we did not call 911. Wrong decision. Ben was a minor and none of us were sure about what to do. If the surgeon hadn't come by with his expert advice, then there probably would have been no chance to save the tooth. A paramedic or even a cop would have known what to do. Ben's mother was 20 minutes away so we walked him about 50 yards to the road to wait for her. While we were waiting, a cop saw us and pulled over. She saw that it was a head injury with a lot of blood and she immediately called for a paramedic. Ben started to protest that his mom couldn't afford an ambulance but the police officer assured him that there would be no charge.

Hopefully Ben saved his tooth and had no concussion. No harm was done by my not being prepared because a first aid kit, an oral surgeon, and a cop all appeared when they were needed, but I'm kicking myself anyway because I like to be prepared for these things.

Here are the lessons I learned.
1. Pack a small first aid kit.
2. Know basic first aid.
3. THE TOOTH GOES BACK IN THE MOUTH!
4. When in doubt, call 911.

The last point I'll make is about helmets. Ben wasn't wearing one. This could have turned out much worse. I even think a helmet could have protected his teeth because it extends beyond the forehead and might have hit the pavement before his mouth did.

5. WEAR YOUR HELMET!

No End in Sight

Last year before I even knew that May 21st was the end of the world, I blogged about doomsdayers and their irrefutable evidence. (reposted below) I don't know why this topic interests me but I've always been fascinated by stories throughout history of people who have sold all possessions to wait for their ticket to heaven that they didn't have to die for. That kind of faith, however misguided it might be, is almost noble and inspiring. But one common thread in the stories always bothered me. It was the JOY they all felt about the extinction of humanity.

This latest group is disappointed that 200 million true believers weren't lifted up to heaven on Saturday while everyone else suffered and eventually died as a series of earthquakes and famine destroyed the Earth. "You can imagine we're pretty disappointed, but the word of God is still true" says one believer. Another man, his voice quavering, said he was still holding out hope that they were one day off. Another said exactly what all others have said the day after they didn't get raptured. She asserted that their prayers worked: God delayed judgment so that more people could be saved, but the end is still 'imminent'.

One television preacher from the midwest sounded perfectly reasonable as he pointed out the errors and delusions of these latest doomsdayers, but then seemed to join them when he said, "We have no doubt that the end is near and we continue to pray that it comes quickly."

Why are these people soooo eager for the end??? I think I got a clue this morning when I read this quote from one of Harold Campings tearful followers. "With maxed-out credit cards and a growing mountain of bills, he said, the rapture would have been a relief," Ahhhhh....Ok. That explains a lot. I think I get it now!


Here's what I wrote last year.

THE END IS NEAR

Doomsdayers have shouted this prediction for thousands of years and the only end has been their own. The recent "irrefutable evidence" has come from this years series of earthquakes. I've always assumed that the mountains and canyons and volcanos and sink holes and tsunamis and hurricanes that are all over the globe were evidence that we live on an evolving, living planet. Not so! I just read an article about the latest quake in Turkey but that's not where the real information was. The good stuff was below the article in the comments section. That is the best part of getting your news online. You get to see read people's opinions of the news. And since all comments are anonymous you get see the crazy stuff that these people really think about.

There were nearly 2000 comments on this article so naturally I didn't read them all, but I did browse a couple hundred and here is a breakdown of earthquake theories.

60% say the reason is biblical. Jesus is returning and the earthquakes are no surprise because it's all predicted in scripture. (Matthew 24:7 and Revelations 16:18-20). Biblical predictions have been around for 2000 years so this is nothing new. I have to be careful here because some of these beliefs are sincere but what stood out and bothered me about these posts was the apparent delight at the prospect of the end of the world. Sinners (humans who don't believe what you believe) were finally going to get what was coming to them. Seriously! These people have the same joyful confidence of the suicide bomber before he squeezes the trigger. Just no doubt in their minds about what comes next and joy in the knowledge that people were going to be hurt.

10% say government conspiracy. Included in this number are the handful who say it's Obama's fault. Apparently the United States has developed an earthquake machine and we are in the process of testing it around poor countries. Other more sensible conspiracy theorists say don't be silly. There is no earthquake machine. The US is conducting undersea nuclear tests. Both sides have lots of compelling evidence which I won't go into here.

10% say it's all about the 2012 Mayan prophecies. For more information...see the movie.

10% have actually made the case that earthquakes are caused by global warming. You see, because both poles are melting, the weight of the earth is getting redistributed and geologic shifts are occurring. The quakes are going to continue until the earth finds balances its new weight. One woman (who had quotes from Fox News) combines this theory with the conspiracy theories and says Al Gore is running the earthquake machine to fool us into believing him so he can take over the world.

5% believe mother earth is a living breathing organism and human kind is a parasite or bacteria on its surface. Because of our bad habits, she is finally taking action to get rid of us.

3% say oil drilling and coal mining are too blame. It's obvious that if you remove the interior of any object then the exterior is going to start collapsing. Also, the oil acts as a natural lubricant on the plates and now its missing so there is more friction that causes earth quakes. Ok, I have to confess that I almost started to believe this one. It made sense to me and the people explaining it were using really big, scientificky words that impressed me.

Only 2% of the people believed that there is nothing new or unusual going on. Here is a quote I lifted that summarizes my own views. "All you fatalists and conspiracy idiots are just that, idiots. Earthquakes have been happening around the world for thousands of years and every time idiots perceive it as a harbinger of Armageddon. Today's day and age with easily accessible information through the internet and growing number of people in areas that are able to report it so quickly, it may seem like there is an unusual amount of catastrophic natural disasters, but the fact is is that you are more readily informed of these events than the past. They've always been occurring, all over the world so get a grip and move on".

At first it frightened me that 98% of the population believe something dark and unusual is going on. But then with relief, I realized that it is just 98% of anonymous public forum commentors dying for attention. Tell me that's right. There aren't really only 2 out of 100 people that think this is all perfectly normal, right? Right?

So I wrote a book...

...actually, WE wrote a book....my brother and I. We spent a few years and several hundred hours writing it. We wrote, we edited, we wrote, we argued, we criticized, we joined writers clubs, we wrote, we researched, we threw things, we quit, we accepted advice, we met with agents and publishers, we won an award, we laughed about lame love scenes, we wrote and we were ulimately rejected for publication.

But NOW! But now anybody can publish anything online. I can upload the phone book to Amazon and slap a $2.99 price tag on it and you can download it to your e-reader. So although we were rejected by publishers across the globe, YOU can can restore my self esteem and talk me down from this bridge by purchasing my book. You can restore your friend's self confidence for only $2.99. This is less than a penny a page for the greatest novel of our generation! Let's see...if I have to give Amazon 30% of the proceeds, that leaves $2.09 for the authors. And I can keep it all for myself if I can keep it from Rick that I've published this thing after we gave up 5 years ago. (shhhhh.....don't tell him) And if I can convince just ten of you to buy it, I can eat breakfast at Village Inn and still be able to leave a generous tip! That means I will have earned about 40 cents a month for the time I spent writng it. Of course, all of these calculations get cut in half if Rick finds out what I'm doing. Shhhhhh.....

Here is the link http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B004WKQO0O/ref=cm_cr_thx_view

If you are still unconvinced, please read the testimonials below.

"This is a book" Todd Barney

"Please stop calling me" Steven King

"I have a dream" Martin Luther King

"I'm the more talented brother." Mike Crocker

"I'm callling the police if you don't get off my porch." John Grisham

"I've seen worse." Thomas Monson

"You'll pay me how much to say what?" Samantha Crocker

So there you go...what's stopping you? What's it about? It's a mystery that spans 135 years of a prominant Colorado family. There's war, poverty, love, betrayal, murder and redemption. There are no sex scenes because writing them made us giggle.

THANK-YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT!!!

Memory Keeper

"Do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and your children's children."
Deuteronomy 4:9

In a complex, mobile society like ours, the stories of our lives get overshadowed and replaced by stories from Hollywood and CNN. Our histories are fragile, scattered and replaced. Our need to examine and to share our stories is vital--for our own mental health, for our relationships and our cohesiveness in community, and for the good of a future that can learn from our past. for these reasons every family needs a Memory Keeper.

My mother is our families memory keeper and she turns 80 years old today. Happy Birthday, Mom! She believed at a very young age that everyone has a rich history and a story to tell - a story that should be passed on and her efforts at preserving her families legacy have been priceless.

Mom bought a camera at a young age many of us still enjoy the photos from over 60 years ago. My earliest memories are of getting my picture taken and she carried her camera as we all carry cell phones today. We all learned early that she wasn't going to give up until she got the picture she wanted and we knew that a quick pose and a smile was the quickest way to get her to put the camera down. Her home has an entire wall of shelves filled with photo albums and at a recent family reunion she gave away hundreds of pictures to aunts, uncles, neices, nephews, children and grandchildren. Our lives were very well documented and the memories we all share will remain alive - for generations to come! These are the moments and memories that make us human and that connect us to our heritage.

"We all grow up with the weight of history on us. Our ancestors dwell in the attics of our brains as they do in the spiraling chains of knowledge hidden in every cell of our bodies." ~Shirley Abbott

Mom always appreciated the importance of family and felt the need to preserve her families history. In the mid 1970's, Roots was shown on TV and it created a million new genealogists in America. Mom and I were among them. It was an interest that I could share with my mother even at 15. 35 years later we both still have genealogy charts on our walls and can immediately tell you where Great Great Grandfather was married in 1880 or which village in Sweden our family comes from. Everytime I discover a new ancestor - someone who lived and loved and died and who's DNA flows through my own veins, I imagine that they are grateful to be discovered and remembered. It makes me feel connected to something bigger than myself and I love that I can share this hobby with my mother.

"I promise that if you will keep your journals and records, they will indeed be a source of great inspiration to your families, to your children, your grandchildren, and others, on through the generations. Each of us is important to those who are near and dear to us and as our posterity reads of our life's experiences, they, too, will come to know and love us." Spencer W. Kimball

One of the reasons I keep a blog is because I believe that it is a 21st century version of a journal. Perhaps this is something else I picked up from Mom. The family histories she has written are a treasure to me and I believe they also will be to my great grand children. The records she kept of my childhood allowed me to compare what I weighed at 18 months to what my own children weighed at the same age. Every year she recorded what I wanted to be when I grew up. (mostly Batman or an astronaut) Because of her example I've tried to do the same for my kids and I hope they'll appreciate it as much as I have.

So Mom, for your 80th birthday I want to let you know how much I appreciate the stories you have given me and the memories you have recorded. Your life is a legacy and a gift that only you could have given. Thank-you for sharing it with me. I Love You.

He Skis

If their parents skied, then skiing was for old people. That was the opinion of my children anyway. So when we moved to the mountains and introduced them to snow with gravity, they all decided to be snowboarders because snowboarding was way cooler. They all picked up basic skills, but never really excelled. They didn't dislike the sport but they didn't love it either and I always had to twist arms to get them to go with me. Samantha and Noah eventually gave it up altogether.

If I had tried to talk Jonah into skiing he probably would have resisted. But a couple of his friends were skiers and last year he borrowed some skis and gave it try. He picked it up immediately and by his 3rd day he was a better skier than he ever was a snowboarder. By the end of the season he was as good as me. This year I bought him skis for Christmas and he has far surpassed me. He skis fast and fearless. He skis every weekend and after school and at night and everyday of winter vacation. I'm glad he loves it so much but I still have to twist his arm to get him to ski with me.

Now I'm too slow for him.

Top 50 Books

Earlier, I compiled a list of my 50 top movies (which I've already revised a few times!) I was recently challenged to compile a similar list of books, which actually has proven to be more of a challenge. I've been adding and subtracting for a couple of weeks and I'm sure I'll do more of it in the future but I'm pretty comfortable with the following list. You may notice that I've cheated a few times and have included a title that actually represents all of the works of authors I like. Here's the list in alphabetical order.

3 Cups of Tea (incredible difference one man can make)
7 Habits of Highly Effective People (I followed it for a few years anyway!)
A Prayer for Owen Meany (representing all of John Irvings books)
All I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten (I love all Fulgham books)
And Then There Were None (just using this title to represent Christie books)
Angela's Ashes (humor, compassion, and poverty)
Animal Farm (high school requirement. first example of the power of allegory)
Atlas Shrugged (I have problems with Rand but recognize the importance of her work)
Big Rock Candy Mountain (Stegner is a great writer)
Call of the Wild (perfect book for a teen boy)
Charlotte's Web (tears for a spider)
Cold Mountain (civil war love story)
Crime and Punishment (stream of consciousness look into the mind)
Dancing at the Rascal Fair (Ivan Doig should be more famous)
Dandelion Wine (Ray Bradbury is one of my favorite authors. He's not just sci fi)
Everything is Illuminated (3 expertly written interconnected stories)
Freakonomics (I look at trends and statistics a different way after reading this)
Great Gatsby (classic that I've reread a few times)
Green Eggs and Ham (Thank-you, Thank-you, Sam I am)
Hardy Boys Mysteries (same plot told 50 different times. But I read them all)
Harry Potter series (popular for a reason)
Hawaii (all of Micheners books) (Centennial, Chesapeake, Texas, The Source, Alaska)
The Heart is a Lonely Hunter (the human condition)
How to Win Friends and Influence People (all improvement books are versions of this)
Into Thin Air (excellent research)
In Cold Blood (thought Capote was just famous for being famous until I read this.)
Jonathon Livingston Seagull (Don't want to reread, but it was inspirational at 15)
Last Lecture (Inspiring)
Life of Pi (most unusual plot)
Lonesome Dove (very best western ever)
Lord of the Rings (The Trilogy plus The Hobbit)
Louis LaMour (same plot over and over but I read them all as a teen)
Mans Search For Meaning (life changing)
My Friend Flicka (my first novel)
Ode to Billy Joe (my first love story)
Oh The Places You'll Go (for every graduate)
Of Mice and Men (Steinbecks best...according to me!)
Oliver Twist (Dickens best...according to me!)
Poisonwood Bible (just a very talented writer)
Power of Now (light bulb went off over my head)
Princess Bride (great movie, better book)
Roots (gave me a life long hobby)
Stumbling on Happiness (how come we don't know what will make us happy?)
The Road (dark, disturbing, but ultimately a love story)
The Stand (favorite Stephen King)
The Things They Carried (Veitnam, but really a summary of all wars)
To Kill a Mockingbird (how can it not be on everyones list?)
Walden (One of the few books I own)
Water For Elephants (at some point we'd all like to join the circus)
Your Money or Your Life (If I had a do-over, I would live this way)


So what do you think? What am I missing?

The Shadow

I've realized that whenever I am in a writing slump, I can use my blog as a refrigerator door and post brilliant things my kids have done. I was cleaning up some old files last night and I found this poem that Noah wrote when he was 13. Like I've already said...I think it's brilliant!


The Shadow

As I slept in dark last night
A shadow approached my cot
And though I awoke upon a fright
The shadow hurt me not
I asked the shadow, “How do you do?”
The shadow thought for a while
And he replied, “I am you, I do how you do.”
Though the words he spoke were true, I was in denial
“If I am me, then you must lie.”
He chuckled as if he had just commit a crime
“You see…each man is like a die,
He has many faces, but only one shows at a time.”
And then my shadow disappeared and I became like lumber
And once again I returned to my silenced slumber


Noah Crocker

Greensleeves

I've always wished I'd been more musical, but the talent was just never introduced into my DNA. When I had kids, I did what many parents do and tried to encourage them to take music lessons with the hope that something would stick. It would be a shame for the world to lose out on the next Mozart because his parents never put him in front of a piano.

So when Samantha was 8 or 9 we decided to give her piano lessons. She was mildly enthusiastic about it at first but lost interest after awhile and it was difficult to force her to practice. Finally I told her she could quit as soon as she learned to play Greensleeves for me. The song has always moved me ever since I was a child and heard it in a movie. She said she'd do it, but eventually the lessons stopped without her fulfilling her end of the bargain.

This year she warned us all that she had no money and her Christmas gifts would be extremely inexpensive which I thought was a good idea. On Christmas morning after all of the gifts were exchanged she went out to her car and brought in a guitar and sat beside me on the sofa and played Greensleeves for me. I had tears in my eyes as I hugged her for the beautiful gift.

Thank-you honey, I love it!

Really Very Stupid Things

The following incidents may or may not have happened but I will not admit to doing any of them.

tubing with no life jacket in a flood swollen river, contest to see who could hold a lit firecracker the longest, playing chicken head-on on bikes to see who would swerve first, tying brother backwards to a tricycle and pushing him down a hill, poking jailed drunks with a sharp stick, rolling bowling balls down the highway at 60 miles an hour, walking across steel beams 8 stories high, tubing down hill with barbed wire fence at the bottom, tying brother upside down in a tree, waking up at 70 miles an hour and 70 feet off the freeway, trying to knock each other off speeding snowmobiles, teach brother to yell "jack ass" at the mean neighbor lady, cementing the neighbors doors and windows shut, spending two hours at the top of a tree while the girl that someone called a cow tries to knock you down with rocks, folding my brother into a sleeper sofa, launching bottle rockets from the car, streaking, contest to see who could hold onto electric fence the longest, throwing knives at brothers feet, reasoning that the lakes thin ice will hold if you just drive snowmobile fast enough, getting into a car with drunk hillbillies, bb gun wars, jumping bikes over friends laying lengthwise, jousting from bikes, riding on the hood of a car, riding on the highway on the top of a tall stack of hay bails in the back of a truck, training to be a stuntman by jumping out of a moving car, laughing while drill sergeant screams in your face, breaking into vacant apartments to sleep and shower, slowing down but not stopping the car when dropping brother off, contest to see who can pass the most motorhomes on bike going down mountain switchbacks, pushing fully clothed bully into swimming pool, stopping fan blade with tongue, rock fights, running through pitch black mile long tunnel with just a stick to guide you, competing in triathlons without learning to swim, car races, sleeping in cemetary, blindfolded boxing, shooting arrow straight up and dodging its return, trying to outrun a cop, blowing things up in a variety of ways, sleeping under a hedge in downtown Los Angeles, making drill sergeant remember your name by pissing him off on the 1st day of boot camp, hitchhiking at 14, wandering through a bronx ghetto at midnight, getting a ride to California with crazy man who claims to be a hit man on assignment, sleeping under freeway over passes, misreading arrival time as departure time for family trip, packing remote control instead of camera for birth of child, publishing list of really very stupid things that I may or may not have done.

You are on Welfare

You are Angry.

You saw the woman in front of you buying junk food with food stamps and now you are on a rant about the welfare parasites ruining your country. You claim the solution to all of our deficit problems is to just stop the welfare.

Now please...take a breath and the mood altering pill of your choice (legally prescribed by your doctor of course) and take a look in the mirror.

Can we all agree that the definition of welfare is receiving financial assistance that you haven't earned? Are you 100% certain that you pay your own way without help from a socialist goverment? Let's take a look. I'm going to pick on Utah for one example because I know the state well, have many friends there and believe that you have one of the more fiscally prudent states in the country. But even as efficient as you are it still costs about $7,500 per pupil per year to educate your kids. So 2 kids for 13 years means that taxpayers (including you ) have spent about $180,000 to educate those two kids. Double that for four kids and triple it for six. So before I believe that the government isn't taking from others to redistribute to you, I'll need you to show me proof that you will ever pay that back in your life time. If you aren't going to pay that back then you have received financial assistance from others to educate your kids.

Your house is the same value as your neighbors, but you are paying a mortgage to a bank and your neighbor is paying rent to a landlord. You get a big interest deduction worth a couple thousand that he doesn't get. You may not consider it welfare but your neighbor probably does.

You live in a state that gets more money back from the federal government than you pay. My friends in Utah get back $1.07 for every dollar they pay. If they feel bad that in Colorado we only get $0.83 back for every dollar collected, I'll let you send me a check for the difference.

If you are 60 something, you are likely collecting some sort of welfare.

If the fire department ever responded to a fire on your property, then you have probably collected more from safer taxpayers than you will ever pay back. Your church provides you with a social safety net and they use roads and infrastructure but they don't have to pay taxes for them. If you have a college degree from a state college then you were subsidized by the taxes of the hard working masses who didn't go to school.

If you have a mortgage, if you have children, if you collect social security, unemployment, belong to a church, have gone to college, work for the government (including schools) then you are benefiting from some sort of redistribution of wealth.

So please stop whining that the single mother in the check out line in front of you bought cheetos and coke with "your money"!

Tasty Severance

I believe I've already blogged about the stress of firing people. No matter how much it's deserved it's never pleasant. There was one time that was almost fun though. I'd forgotten all about it until my friend Donna reminded me of it last week. She was a witness and said she still laughs about it.

Jodi was the receptionist at Twin Peaks Mall. She'd only been there a few months, but I already knew I'd made a mistake in hiring her. Her skills were fine but she was a whiner and whiners are my least favorite species. She loved being a victim and her feelings were always getting hurt and she was always pouting. The only thing I ever remember her talking about was how unfairly her husband, kids, mother, coworkers, neighbors, weatherman, and God was treating her.

Every year we would let the Girl Scouts sell cookies in the mall. Every year they would thank us with about 2 dozen boxes of cookies that I would divide up among the staff. This year Jodi handled the arrangements and was the only one in the office when the girls brought in the cookies. As the rest of the staff arrived, they reacted with excitement that it was cookie time!

Should have been a happy time for all, right? Not exactly.

I got an emergency call from my bookkeeper that morning. "Jim! She's keeping the cookies and not sharing!" Apparently Jodi had all of the cookies under her desk and was insisting that the girl scouts had given them to her and she was going to take them all home to her family. Keep in mind that this an office staff, not a 3rd grade classroom. I canceled my plans and came into the office and explained to the Cookie Monster that this was an annual tradition and the gift was for the whole staff and not just her and demanded that she turn over the thin mints. Instead of handing them over and apologizing for the misunderstanding, she stomped out of the office in tears. All terribly awkward and embarrassing but she did leave the cookies behind so we decided to console ourselves with a cookie party and I sent a security guard to the store for some milk.

Two hours went by and we were getting excited with the prospect that she might never come back when the door flew open. She was back and she brought an angry, loud, little man with her. I thought he might be some sort of hired cookie enforcer but he turned out to just be her husband. He was yelling about theft and about taking food out of the mouths of his children. I'm serious... I remember that because for a few years afterwards, whenever anyone on the staff had a disagreement with me they would joke that I was taking food out of the mouths of their children.

I demanded that he get out of my office and I had a "full of cookies and milk" security guard escort him out. I told Jodi to take the rest of the day off and be in my office at 8:00 the next morning. When she came in she started to apologize when she noticed about 20 boxes of girl scout cookies in bags that I'd bought the night before. She asked "what are they for?"

I said, "It's your severance pay. Don't come back." Some firings are easier than others!

"New" Car

I just got a new car. OK...I just got a used car. I typically will run a car into the ground before I get a new one and after 7 years and 235,000 miles I almost did that with my Honda mini-van. Good car. Good, good car. I'm a sensible guy and it was a sensible vehicle. I know you only get a mini-van if you have a family but I loved my red Odyssey. I could haul bikes and skis and furniture and 6 passengers in it. I drove it through the very worst conditions and beat the crap out of it but it never let me down.

But it was time.

The catalyst was when Jonah turned 16 and I decided that it would be the perfect vehicle for him. Believe it or not, he's pretty excited about driving a mini van. Lots of room for his friends I suppose.

So now I drive a 2008 Prius. I'm a little bit of a tree hugger but mostly it was a financial decision. I commute 500 miles a week and the Prius will save me about $150/mo in gas. All of the really cool technology is just a bonus. It's got a microphone in the mirror and I can get all of my calls through the speakers. It is keyless and unlocks when I walk up to it. It tells me when it needs an oil change or when the tires are low. I know that a Prius has that tree hugger reputation but it actually makes me feel a little like James Bond. (didn't he drive a Prius?)

I'll see if I can get another 200,000 miles out of it!

You Have To Fight Back

I had a conversation with an old friend recently and she reminded of the time I punched a guy in the face who had attempted to grope her. It was over 30 years ago and I had nearly forgotten about it but it stuck with her because it was the only time someone had ever used violence to defend her. I typically think of myself as more of a "live and let live" pacifist who sees the wisdom in walking away from a fight, but I have to admit that there is something gratifying in being remembered as a sort of Clint Eastwood defender of women!

That got me remembering even further back when fist fights were a normal part of my life when I was 12 years old. We lived on the Ft. Hall Indian Reservation in Idaho at that time. I don't know if fights were a normal part of the culture or if the Indian kids always beat up the white kids or if I was just there during a bad year but I was getting my butt kicked at least weekly. The first time it happens to you is shocking and terrifying. I didn't know what I had done to piss this guy off and when I realized that an adult wasn't going to step in and save me, I basically just tried to cover my face and begged him to stop as I got pummeled. I also wasn't aware of the playground code of no tattling and went straight to a teacher with my story. The bully was punished but the next day on the playground, so was I. I still didn't fight back and the best strategy I could come up with was to stay in the classroom during recess, but this just meant they waited for me after school. I started faking sick to avoid school and my parents got involved and we had a meeting with the principal.

Mr. Broadhead heard my story and he sympathized but at some point he looked at me and said, "You have to fight back, Jim. They'll stop coming after you if they know you can hurt them." I can't imagine an elementary school principal telling a student that today but this was 1972 and it was some of the best advice I ever received. I started taking a few swings and would connect once in awhile, but it was a month or so before I got an official "win". Robert Blackfoot punched me right in the nose and I was losing blood through both nostrils. I managed to take the fight to the ground and get on top of him but I had to hang on with both arms so I couldn't really hit him. I did manage to get in a few head butts that didn't do any real damage but the whole time I had him down, I was bleeding all over him. A lot. His face and shirt were covered in blood...my blood. When a teacher finally pulled us both up by our collars, the crowd saw a little bit of blood under my nose, but Robert was a red gooey mess! I heard the impressed gasps from everyone as we were hauled into Mr. Broadhead's office. He chewed us both out but then held me back and smiled and congratualted me. He predicted that they would start leaving me alone now.

That wasn't entirely true, but the rumor did circulate that I had nearly killed Robby Blackfoot and I did get picked on a lot less. I still had to fight occasionally and I learned that if you were fighting fair then you weren't trying very hard. My specialties were the throat punch, the eye gouge, and using my elbows as weapons. Not exactly heroic type of fighting but the object was to hurt him as quickly as possible to stop the fight before getting hurt yourself.

Fortunately, my new skills were seldom used in the past 37 years and I hope I never find myself in a situation again where a head butt is necessary. But I hope I always remember Mr. Broadhead's very good advice. Sometimes "You have to fight back."

Beyond the Canyon Walls

At 21 I decided I was going to hitch hike around the country, and as you can imagine, this was not a popular decision with my parents. They pointed out the dangers and made me feel guilty about how much my mother would worry.

I did it anyway.

My mother said many, many prayers for me and perhaps that's why I came back safe with many stories (mostly true) about my grand adventure. But when I came back she said something that most parents say to their children that has turned out to be a curse. She said, "One day I hope your son does the same thing so that you will know how it feels."

Tomorrow, I will know what she felt but the child to fulfill this prophesy is my daughter. My Baby Girl. My Tom Boy Princess. My Little Wildflower. My 20 year old "Not a child, not quite an adult" beautiful, good hearted, hippie child.
Tomorrow she will put on a backpack and head out to explore the American West with her best friend Katie. I don't know if they'll exactly be dancing with wolves but they plan on living pretty primitively to accomodate their nearly empty budget.

Threats, logic, bribery, and promises have not dissuaded her. So as she's awed by the grandeur of the Tetons, I will be vistited by my Mother's worry from 27 years ago. As she is inspired by the beauty of Yellowstone, I'll make sure my cell phone is always charged and my gas tank is full in case she is in need of rescuing. As she is trying to stay dry and warm in her tent in Oregon, I'll be watching the weather channel at 2am. As she explores the Redwood's, San Francisco, Yosemite, Zion, Bryce, and the SoCal beaches, she'll be wearing my old Army dogtags as a talisman. But if that's not enough to protect her, I'll be relying on the kindness of strangers if my little girl needs help.

Which brings me to my next point... if any of my friends who live near any of those places have a spot on the couch and can pick up a couple of cold, hungry girls if they need it...drop me a line and let me know if I can give them your phone number. I'll owe you!

May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome,dangerous, leading to the most awesome view.May your rivers flow without end, meandering through pastoral valleys tinkling with bells, past temples and
castles and poets' towers into a dark primeval forest
where tigers belch and monkeys howl, through mysterious swamps and down into a desert of red rock, blue mesas, domes and pinnacles and grottos of endless stone, and down again into a deep vast ancient
unknown chasm where bars of sunlight blaze on profiled
cliffs, where deer walk across the white sand beaches,
where storms come and go as lightning clangs upon the
high crags, where something strange and more beautiful
and more full of wonder than your deepest dreams wait
for you - beyond the next turning of the canyon walls.
- Edward Abbey

My Best Father's Day Gift

Father's Day presents come and go and I don't really remember most of the gifts that I have received over the years. There is one in particular though that the kids gave me (Jonah claims it was him) that stands out because it has had a lot of use.

They gave me a Leki collapsible walking stick about 10 years ago and I've used it for several hundred miles and I climbed 16 peaks of over 14,000 feet and several smaller ones. It's saved a lot of wear on my bad knee and last month it may have saved my life.

During our recent backpacking trip, we ended up hiking in two groups with the faster hikers in front. I was visiting with the back group and left them to catch up to my kids in the front so I was temporarily hiking alone. The two foot wide trail had risen to about 70 feet above the river when I just stepped off. I didn't stumble or trip and the trail didn't collapse. My left foot just stepped completely off the ledge. I threw myself to the right and my trusty Leki walking pole held my weight (and 30 pounds of pack) for about 2 seconds before it snapped in two and my face hit the trail. But those 2 seconds bought me enough time to stabalize most of my weight on level ground as my legs hung down. I had a banged up face and a broken pole but was otherwise OK.


Best gift ever, kids...but, uh...can I please get another?

Backpacking

"Our way is not soft grass, it's a mountain path with lots of rocks. But it goes upward, forward, toward the sun."
- Ruth Westheimer

"Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop off like falling leaves."
- John Muir

I used to backpack all of the time. I lived in one of the most beautiful places on earth and I explored quite a bit of it. Most of the time I went with friends, but when they weren't available I went by myself. It's hard to describe what the appeal is in putting everything you need to survive and be comfortable on your back and hike into the wilderness. But it's not comfortable. You sleep on the ground, you eat on a log, you squat in the bushes, and you are too cold or too hot. But....still...there is something about it that recharges the batteries. You get multiple doses of appreciation. You appreciate that you live in a place where wild things still exist. You appreciate that you have the health to hike and explore. You appreciate what our ancestors went through every day just to live. You appreciate the simplicity to just concentrate on staying warm and fed. And the when you get home...you appreciate modern society. A warm bed, a flushing toilet, a microwave, a chair with a back! I can rejoice in a hot shower for months after a good backpacking trip!

I just got back from a few days in the Manti-LaSal National Forest in Utah. I went with old friends (the best kind) and some of our kids. Me, Todd, Troy, Samantha, Katie, Jonah, Chelsea, Jake, Peter, Seth and Bogie hiked a few miles up a beautiful stream and found a campsite created just for us. We set up 6 tents and a hammock, a kitchen, a firepit, a hacky sack arena, a sink, and a bathroom and forced our children to listen to stories they've already heard a dozen times. They were very patient and laughed at all of the right parts and promised not to tell their mothers.

I think we are going to make this an annual tradition. Back to nature for 3 days and a renewed appreciation for civilization for the other 362!

You are invited.

50 Movies

Humans tell stories. We love stories. Cave paintings prove that we've always loved stories. Children crave stories and my own kids would make them up themselves if I wasn't around to tell them one.

I recently wrote about how our celebrations and cermonies create societal and cultural bonding. Perhaps this is even more true of our stories. We can describe somone's Achilles heal and everyone who knows the story of Achilles will know that this person has a hidden weakness. We can compare someone to Han Solo and we all know that he is a rogue with a good heart. If I describe someone as a Good Samaritan, you know that I mean she is kind and willing to help. Our stories bring us together.

Todays stories are told at the movies. At many points in our lives we are asked about favorite movies. People may be genuinely interested in the answer or we may just be looking for a good conversation starter. My problem is that although I do have favorites, I usually draw a blank when I'm asked. I've already made a list of some of my favorite quotes and now I've compiled a list of my favorite movies. You may or may not care, but as my memory starts to falter, I'm actually making the list for myself.

Some of these movies were critically praised, some might be critically condemned. Here they are in alphabetical order.

3:10 To Yuma (classic western with the good guy doing the right thing)
A Christmas Story (still makes me laugh)
Alien (my first really scary movie)
Anchorman (so funny!)
Armeggedon (silly world saving fun with a great sound track)
Band of Brothers (really a mini-series but the best war story I've seen)
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (childhood memories of play acting the movie for weeks after I saw it)
Cast Away (triumph of human spirit...my favorite theme)
Cool Hand Luke (Paul Newman was the coolest)
Dead Poets Society (Seize the Day!)
Family Man (rediscovering what's important)
Field of Dreams (maybe it's a guy thing)
Forest Gump (who doesn't like Forest Gump?)
Fried Green Tomatos (this one's a chick flick...shhhhh....)
Gladiator (warrior saves the Roman Empire)
Glory (I know, I know, war = bad, but war movies = good)
Office Space (For everyone who's ever worked in an office)
Groundhog Day (great movie that I hear references to constantly)
Hoosiers (guys love a good underdog sports movie)
How the West Was Won (for some reason it made a big impression on me when I was a kid)
Independence Day (Humanity unites!)
It's a Wonderful Life (do I even have to explain?)
Lars and the Real Girl (the premise is too weird to explain and why I like it is too long to explain)
Leaving Las Vegas (we're all a little broken)
Life is Beautiful (a fathers love for his son)
Little Miss Sunshine (flawed family pulls together for the little girl)
Lion King (Disneys best)
Lord of the Rings (great adaptation of a favorite book)
Matrix (would you take the blue pill or the red pill?)
Million Dollar Baby (sports movie with a female lead)
Off the Map (you've definitely never heard of it but check it out)
Oh Brother Where Art Thou (funny, funny with awesome soundtrack)
Planes Trains and Automobiles (totally stupid and I can still laugh just thinking about it)
Planet of The Apes (I LOVED these movies as a kid)
The Postman (I amy be the only person that liked this movie)
Princess Bride (a much better book but a great movie anyway)
Rocky (just a few seconds of the song still inspires me)
Roots (another mini-series but it started me on a life long hobby)
Animal House (again...it's a guy thing)
Saving Private Ryan (second best war story ever)
Schindlers List (This awful story was told so well, I felt physically ill)
Spanglish (I can't explain it but it struck a chord in me)
Shawshank Redemption (on a lot of favorite lists and near the top of mine)
Star Wars (come on! This has got to be on everyones list!)
That Thing You Do
Tropic Thunder (funny, funny, funny, funny, funny)
Truman Show (I like Jim Carreys and Adam Sandlers serious stuff better than I like their comedies)
Unforgiven (much more than just a western, it shows that the lines are blurred between the good guys and bad guys)
Up and Wall E (combined my favorite Pixar films)
Wizard of Oz (I may have seen at least parts of it 50 times)

So there they are. I've limited the list to 50 so I'll probably come back to it and kick some off as I add new candidates. Some of these movies are similar and some are nothing alike but they are all on the list because they told a story I liked. Am I missing anything that I should reconsider?