A Bad Dog Marriage

Kiana was a beautiful black labrador puppy. She was the biggest and smartest and prettiest of her litter. Her father told her she could be anything she wanted, but her mother told her that the key to happiness was to marry wisely and settle down with the right sire and breed future champions.

Kobuck was very good looking (for a yellow lab)but it was his sense of humor that attracted her to him. He did the silliest things and she would laugh and laugh. And he was quite an athlete. She would spend hours watching him in the park as he outran all of the other dogs to catch and fetch what ever was thrown. Despite her mothers warning to only date someone of her own color, she fell in love and soon they were married. She was certain that with her guidance, she could give this silly boy the heart of a warrior.

The problems started right away. She wanted to take life seriously and he just wanted a good time. The sense of humor that attracted her to him was just kind of goofy now. She never laughed and started telling him to grow up. It got too awkwaard for his friends and they stopped coming over. She wanted him to do something she could be proud of like hunting or guarding but his one passion in life was to fetch tennis balls. He believed he could work Wimbledon one day and could never let go of the athletic glory days of his youth.

By the time I spent a week with this couple she was bitter and domineering and had sucked the joy from both of their lives. He had let himself go and was just a ball fetching, floor pooping clown. Sure...he could have been a better husband. Yes...his goofy puppy act could get old. But he says, "Hey! I didn't change. This is who I always was. Now throw me the ball!"

Her anger towards him is visible in every interaction between them. His indifference towards her is evident every time he runs into her without apologizing as he chases that stupid slobbery ball. They probably can both share some of the blame. But now they have developed some patterns that are clearly not healthy. I've seen her shove his tennis balls under the bed where he can't reach them. I've seen him fart on her food bowl when she's not looking.

Kobuck still tries to find a little bit of joy in his life with his passion for tennis balls. Kiana, on the other hand, has given up on "following her bliss" and her only purpose is to put Kobuck in his place...to humiliate him and make him admit that she rules and he's just a stupid jerk that ruined her life. It wouldn't be so bad if she would administer her punishments behind closed doors and let Kobuck keep his dignity in public and in front of his friends. But no. The smallest infraction will set her off and she lets him have it. Sometimes the only thing he does wrong is to let someone pet him before they pet her. And right there in front of everyone she makes him assume the position.

SHE climbs up on HIM and humps him! And if she is seriously pissed off she bites his neck while she's humping him. And she says, "You ruined my life. I'll teach you how to be a man." And he looks around a little embarrassed but just shrugs and says "What can I do?"



The first time I saw it, I yelled at her to stop. But after several more times, I started yelling at him instead. "Kobuck! Get some pride, man! Bite her! Run away! Put your butt up against the wall! Don't just take it!" But he just patiently accepts his punishment and brings me the tennis ball when she is done. (but it takes him several minutes before he can look me in the eye)

I'm not sure what the future holds for this marriage. I'm trying to talk them into some counseling. I've suggested they spend some time apart. I told her that she should develop her own interests. I'm just glad there are no puppies around to witness this sad situation.

Still Dog Sitting

The dogs haven't torn up the house again and have managed to leave their poop outdoors. But pooping outdoors brings up another subject. I'm supposed to pick it up! These are very large dogs with very large poops. My little bichon frise has very little bichon poops that stay in our yard and my kids pick it up with a shovel after it is hard and cold.

But there is no fenced yard here, so 3 times a day I have to leash them up and walk them long enough until their bowels loosen up and they can do their business in public. And in a civilized society you are expected to pick it up(still warm and steamy) with a very thin plastic bag. You can feel the temperature and the texture of the brown deposit. Once you have something like that in your hand, you want to get rid of it as soon as possible, right? But you can't. You have to carry it back 100 yards for proper deposit in your garbage can. But it's difficult with a leash in each hand and I don't want to stick it in my pocket. The other morning the dogs tried to jump on an old lady getting her newspaper. I had to sit on the ground with a bag of warm poop twirling around my wrist to keep from getting drug across the snow. I could feel the stuff in the bag squishing between the leash and my wrist while the old woman screamed. I'm still traumatized. She might be too.

Here's my confession. I still take the dogs for a walk with a plastic bag in my pocket. After they poop, I assume neighbors might be watching, so I make a big production of taking out my bag and shaking it out and bending over the poop. But instead of picking it up, I push snow over the top of it and hide it.

We've had over a hundred inches of snow already. My treachery won't be discovered until April!

Dog Sitting

I'm dog sitting for friends this week. Two lonely, needy labradors and one indifferent cat. When asked I said, "Sure!" How hard could it be? I didn't have the kids this week and I was doing them a favor and the $300 they offered, sealed the deal.

Tonight I think I've been ripped off.

They are treating me like the substitute teacher. I just arrived at the house and the place is trashed. They've turned the cat's litter box over and scattered it all over. All of the garbage cans have been tossed about and there is a pile of very smelly poop. I think I can actually see the stink.

I cleaned, yelled, scrubbed, and cursed. I found the cat on top of the washing machine and she shook her head like she couldn't believe what I let those dogs get away with.

Right now it's 15 degrees outside and I've got all of the windows open so I can breathe without my shirt pulled over my nose.

I'll scrub the carpets tomorrow after I get control of my gag reflex. 5 more days.

Curmudgeon

I'm feeling curmudgeonly. And that's totally inappropriate for the holiday season. Maybe spending 13 Decembers in the shopping mall industry did it to me. Seeing the dark side of Christmas up close for so long can't be healthy.

But, I'm not really going to complain about Christmas. I'm going to complain about something much bigger and just get it out of my system. Because being a curmudgeon makes me feel old. Once you reach that point you are just a few years away from sitting on park benches and yelling at birds. So with a little help from Frank Schaeffer, a columnist I like, here goes...

There is a basic human moral code. The human race has a sense of right and wrong. Civilization created rules and laws around that sense of right and wrong. If everybody "followed their bliss" or "just do what feels good", there would be anarchy and society would collapse. It's a matter of the survival of the tribe. We need rules.

- What has led to the massive levels of fraud on Wall Street?
- Why are educational values sliding?
- Why are divorce rates so high across all demographics?
- Why are the majority of African-American children being raised by single parents?
- Why are the white, educated jerks who ran our economy into the mud taking bonuses?
- Why are rural kids killing themselves with methamphetamine addiction?
- Why did it become "okay" to torture prisoners?
- Why have the banks betrayed us?
- Why are there idiots collecting assault weapons?
- Why are we an obese nation who may well have shorter life spans than our parents?
- Why have we run up personal and national debt to the point that our currency is plunging?
- Why are we putting children on prescription drugs for disciplinary or behavioral problems?
- Why can't we keep our credit cards in our wallets and our zippers up?

Look for an answer and you'll see the left pointing right and the right pointing left. The left followed their bliss diminished the importance of morals. Drugs and sex were private matters that didn't hurt anybody and staying married for the sake of raising stable families was an old fashioned notion. On the right, and especially in the evangelical/fundamentalist community, people pick and choose among "God's Laws". The bible says that both pork and homosexuality are abominations...but bacon tastes so good we're going to let that one slide.

The left scream "Censorship" until anything is allowed on TV.
The right declared that the market is supreme and freedom equals consumerism.
On the left, the cry went up, it's my body I'll do what I want!
The right responded this is my stuff I'll do what I want!

When personal and public responsibility and taboos crumble the situation becomes toxic. Everyone is into what works for "me" but not what works for "us." Very few are willing to sacrifice. No one is allowed to judge anyone else's behavior. The result is a culture that drives whatever vehicles suits it and global warming be damned. The result is a culture in which divorce is easy and common despite unequivocal proof that the children of divorce bear lifelong scars.The result is raping the earth in the name of market oriented "freedom." The result is irresponsible men who father children they never see and irresponsible women who walk away from families.

The real problem is that we all lie to ourselves and pretend that our individual choices don't matter. We've pretend that society is exempt from the need for order, structure and moral taboos.Why are we ignoring the vast amounts paid the executive thieves running the hedge fund companies and banks. We are winking at the idiots in the entertainment industry who have sold us on the idea that following your lust is always a fine idea. People can't stop eating, won't save money and run up debts. These are not "private" choices. They are what ruin schools, make health care unaffordable , destroy the economy and create kids who barely can function.

We all pay. And we're all guilty if of nothing else, then just because we are silent. We've put at risk the most powerful country on earth and perhaps destroyed our future.

I hope for leaders that can call us back to our senses, coerce us into better behavior, preach, cajole, convince and -- if need be -- force us to look at what we've done to ourselves.

There. I feel better.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Office Christmas Party

I've heard that it is a bad year for the office holiday party. One source said that 65% of them had been cut nationwide. Aside from just cutting expenses, many companies feel that holiday parties are a little awkward when everyone is worried about lay-offs.

I wouldn't have minded if ours had been canceled, but we went ahead with it anyway. Only one person who had been cut last week actually showed up, so the awkwardness was kept to a minimum. But because I've never really developed the "mingling skill". Not knowing how to mingle is bad when you are in the business world since there a lot of functions (often attended by many important people) where mingling is expected. Golf and mingling should have been taught in business school. Small talk bores me anyway and I can’t see how I can just insert myself into a conversation already in flight without looking rude or looking like a stunned dork while I stand around waiting for an ‘in’ on the conversation.

But it's the greetings that really confuse me. I see my co-workers who barely nod greetings to each other everyday, all of a sudden hugging and kissing at the Christmas party. I'm all for hugging and kissing but I just can't bring myself to do it at the party. Should it be a lip kiss? Cheek kiss? Air kiss? Too confusing.

A couple of drinks may have helped the situation, but I was the designated driver for a group of five of us from Summit county. Another disadvantage to being the guy with the mini-van I suppose.

Over all it wasn't a bad evening. The food was good and it was nice to see everyone dressed up. I just need to learn to kiss my co-workers, I guess.

Lay-Offs

Lay-Offs are sweeping the country. Today's unemployment report says that the U.S. lost 540,000 jobs in November. I understand economics and I know why lay-offs happen. I even believe that it can be healthy for a company to go through it sometimes. No companies are immune...including my own. I knew it was a possibility but when it started, I was clueless.

On Wednesday, I talked to Joe in his office at 8:30. I had a follow up question at 10:30 and his office was dark. Jan was at the copier at 10:00 but had disappeared by noon. I saw Mike leaving work early at 1:15 and waved to him. I was like the clueless character in the summer camp horror movie who doesn't know that the campers are disappearing around him. I thought that the dark offices just meant that they were saving energy.

The CEO's email came at 4:00 and the SR.VP called a mandatory meeting at 4:30. We were all in the conference room scanning faces and trying to figure out who was missing. Joe, Jan, Mike, Rick, Simi, Anita, Brad, Kara. My division of 90 lost 18.

For some reason, 18 with names and faces seems like a much larger number than the 540,000 in the news. Why is that?