A Bad Dog Marriage

Kiana was a beautiful black labrador puppy. She was the biggest and smartest and prettiest of her litter. Her father told her she could be anything she wanted, but her mother told her that the key to happiness was to marry wisely and settle down with the right sire and breed future champions.

Kobuck was very good looking (for a yellow lab)but it was his sense of humor that attracted her to him. He did the silliest things and she would laugh and laugh. And he was quite an athlete. She would spend hours watching him in the park as he outran all of the other dogs to catch and fetch what ever was thrown. Despite her mothers warning to only date someone of her own color, she fell in love and soon they were married. She was certain that with her guidance, she could give this silly boy the heart of a warrior.

The problems started right away. She wanted to take life seriously and he just wanted a good time. The sense of humor that attracted her to him was just kind of goofy now. She never laughed and started telling him to grow up. It got too awkwaard for his friends and they stopped coming over. She wanted him to do something she could be proud of like hunting or guarding but his one passion in life was to fetch tennis balls. He believed he could work Wimbledon one day and could never let go of the athletic glory days of his youth.

By the time I spent a week with this couple she was bitter and domineering and had sucked the joy from both of their lives. He had let himself go and was just a ball fetching, floor pooping clown. Sure...he could have been a better husband. Yes...his goofy puppy act could get old. But he says, "Hey! I didn't change. This is who I always was. Now throw me the ball!"

Her anger towards him is visible in every interaction between them. His indifference towards her is evident every time he runs into her without apologizing as he chases that stupid slobbery ball. They probably can both share some of the blame. But now they have developed some patterns that are clearly not healthy. I've seen her shove his tennis balls under the bed where he can't reach them. I've seen him fart on her food bowl when she's not looking.

Kobuck still tries to find a little bit of joy in his life with his passion for tennis balls. Kiana, on the other hand, has given up on "following her bliss" and her only purpose is to put Kobuck in his place...to humiliate him and make him admit that she rules and he's just a stupid jerk that ruined her life. It wouldn't be so bad if she would administer her punishments behind closed doors and let Kobuck keep his dignity in public and in front of his friends. But no. The smallest infraction will set her off and she lets him have it. Sometimes the only thing he does wrong is to let someone pet him before they pet her. And right there in front of everyone she makes him assume the position.

SHE climbs up on HIM and humps him! And if she is seriously pissed off she bites his neck while she's humping him. And she says, "You ruined my life. I'll teach you how to be a man." And he looks around a little embarrassed but just shrugs and says "What can I do?"



The first time I saw it, I yelled at her to stop. But after several more times, I started yelling at him instead. "Kobuck! Get some pride, man! Bite her! Run away! Put your butt up against the wall! Don't just take it!" But he just patiently accepts his punishment and brings me the tennis ball when she is done. (but it takes him several minutes before he can look me in the eye)

I'm not sure what the future holds for this marriage. I'm trying to talk them into some counseling. I've suggested they spend some time apart. I told her that she should develop her own interests. I'm just glad there are no puppies around to witness this sad situation.