Farts on a Plane

I know, I know...teenage potty humor. But it's got to be addressed. I'm not going to pretend that observations on this subject are original. Seinfeld or Carlin or some other comedian probably had a routine about farts on a plane. But it's not funny. If this very serious issue has been dealt with before, I haven't seen it and I certainly haven't received any useful advice on how to deal with the situation.

After my recent triathlon (Have you heard I'm a triathlete?) I was flying home on a full Frontier flight in my usual window seat. The flight was full and my seatmates were an 8 year old boy and his father. At takeoff, the unknown assailant released the first gas bomb. The smell was seriously putrid and the windows would not roll down. I didn't want to mortify someone who had accidentally let one slip but I was curious about what could produce that odor outside of a zoo and I felt the need to assign blame, so I looked for the culprit. You're thinking what I was thinking, right? It's gotta be the kid! So, as I rubbed my watery eyes, I snuck a look to my right.

The kid obviously smells it but he has no intentions about hiding his disgust. He's actually holding his nose with his eyes squeezed shut as he leans into his dad....and away from me! He's trying to get as far away from me as possible!! Then he opens his eyes and looks at me like I'm covered in snot.

IT WASN'T ME!

But this little brat is supplying the only evidence to the passengers around us that I am the perpetrator of this crime. The smell hovers over several rows and I can tell that the women across the aisle can smell it and I see that they see this kid acting like I'm abusing him. I watch a flight attendant's smile disappear and her eyes go into a squint as she walks by.

Now if I had actually done the deed, I could see the humor in the situation and I would just pretend to be asleep as I chuckled at the suffering around me. BUT IT WASN'T ME! I didn't want to let this injustice stand but I was clueless about a remedy and I was paralyzed from embarrasment until the odor mercifully faded.

Somewhere over the Utah/Colorado border it happened again. I couldn't comprehend how the smell could be worse, but it was. I knew there was only one thing to do and I sprang into action. I had to act more disgusted than the kid. After making sure the dad wasn't looking at me but the kid was...I glared at him at pulled the collar of my t-shirt up over my nose. His eyes widened and I knew exactly what he was thinking..."IT WASN'T ME!" I left my modified gas mask on for a full minute until the smell dissipated and I was sure that anyone looking for the culprit would see that I was just as pained by the situation as they were. I knew the kid was innocent but I had no problems throwing him under the bus to defend myself so I faked a cough and left one finger pointing at him while I covered my mouth. Who were people going to believe? Obviously, this young man could not control his bowels.

It happened for the last time after we had taxied to the gate and were standing in the aisle waiting for the doors to open. The stink was again released from it's home in hell and a dozen heads swiveled for someone to blame. This time I spotted him immediately.

He was in the seat in front of mine.

He was the guy pretending to be asleep with a smile on his face as he chuckled at the suffering that surrounded him.